Age Gap Relationships Philippines

Why do women from the Philippines chose older men?

Ask this question on any type of interactive format and you’ll probably get one overly simplistic answer about money. But the real answer is not nearly that simple. I’ll do my best to give you a more thoughtful and informed response.

Let’s back away from the topic of the Philippines for a minute and just talk about history as well as the nature of men and women.

A Western reader will likely consider any age gap over about 5 years in a couple to be unusual. But men have historically married women who are significantly younger. In other words, our idea that men and women should be of similar age is not how the world has worked historically.

One ancient that comes to my mind is the biblical narrative of Rebekah and Isaac. The Bible doesn’t specify Rebekah’s age other than to say she was beautiful and old enough to be married (Genesis 24:16). Isaac was 40 when he married Rebekah (Genesis 25:20). A significant age gap can be inferred from this account.

Men and women have historically looked for different qualities in a romantic partner.

Men have always been attracted to youth, beauty, and purity. That doesn’t mean these physical characteristics are all men look for, but they have always been significant factors in why men chose the women they do.

Women, on the other hand, are hypergamous by nature. This means they have historically been attracted to men of higher wealth/status. They want men who can provide them with financial security and stability. A man can make up for a lack of physical attractiveness or youth by being financially successful.

I realize that what I’ve shared here is a very simplified version of things, but I think you’ll find it to be true. Men typically don’t care how much money a woman makes. Men typically don’t care that much about her educational status (intelligence matters, of course, but intelligence and educational attainment aren’t always the same thing). Women, on the other hand, almost universally want a man that can provide financially.

I’m writing all of this to give you some perspective. The same Western women who hatefully call Filipinas “gold-diggers” are probably not lining up to date men who are broke and living in their parents’ basement.

My Experience with Women in the Philippines

I noticed a difference in my dating options the very first time I visited the Philippines. I was in my 30’s and noticed that women in their 20’s (even early 20’s) were more than willing date me without hesitation—women 10 years (or more) younger than I. Keep in mind that I’ve always been in pretty good physical shape and I’m at least average looking (even now people tend to think I’m younger than my actual age). Regardless, my options were drastically improved compared to the dating scene back in my home country.

I eventually married a woman who is significantly younger (around 15 years). I didn’t necessarily plan to marry so much younger, but I was in my late 30’s and still wanted a family. Marrying a woman my own age would have meant a “geriatric pregnancy” for her. Marrying younger meant that we didn’t have to be concerned with those risks when having kids.

RECOMMENDED: I recommend Christian Filipina for those who are serious about finding love in the Philippines.

Most of the Filipino-American couples we have met here in the West have similar age gaps to my wife and me (though not all). The Filipinas are usually not materialistic but were open to marrying an older man who could offer love, faithfulness and stability.

One more thing: I have also encountered age gap relationships between Filipinas and Filipino men. I have a good friend in the Philippines that is married to a girl almost 20 years his junior. He’s not rich or famous. He’s just a guy who found himself single for longer than most and found a nice girl. Such a relationship would be almost unheard of in the West, but not in the Philippines. Women in the Philippines just aren’t as hung up about age gaps.

Practical Considerations:

Does this mean that all age gap relationships in the Philippines work out well? Unfortunately, no. There are cases in which a Western man comes to the Philippines, falls for a pretty young Filipina builds her a house, then ends up losing it all. I’ve even seen videos of expats that are living on the streets after having something like this happen.

There are other cases in which a man brings a woman from the Philippines to the States and finds that she is constantly demanding money for herself and her family.

Finding a wife in the Philippines involves the same kind of vetting that you would need to do almost anywhere. I would first advise you to take things slow and get to know the woman that you are considering for a long-term relationship. Learn about her family, her values, and her expectations for your relationship. I believe some of the Western men who fall for toxic Filipinas just moved too fast because they were surprised to be noticed by a younger woman. They may have noticed warning signs if they had just taken some time. They would have also seen that there are plenty of good women in the Philippines and that there was no need to jump at the first relationship opportunity.

I would also encourage you to be realistic. In other words, the larger the age gap, the more cautious you need to be. A 40-year-old man marrying a 25-year-old is different than a 65-year-old man marrying a 25-year-old. The larger the age gap, the more conscientious you also need to be about it. The more you need to be concerned with her true intentions. You have to consider, for example, the likelihood that you (the older partner) will die before your wife does.

Age Gap Relationships in the Philippines: Conclusion

Most Filipinas, based on my experience, want what all women have historically wanted: they want to marry a man who can take care of them. But, unlike their Western counterparts, they tend to value older men because of their stability (which includes financial stability) and maturity.

Note: I recommend the Christian Filipina Dating website if you are looking to find a quality woman from the Philippines.

RECOMMENDED: REMITLY

Dating a Married Filipina: not a good idea

Should you consider dating or getting romantically involved with a woman from the Philippines who is “separated”–not living with her husband but still legally married?

Here’s the short answer: I would strongly advise against such relationships as of right now. This type of “relationship” will prove to be a dead end that will leave you wasting time, money, and may just break your heart.

An introduction to the Married Filipina’s dillemma

The Philippines, as of the time of this writing, is the only country in the world where legal divorce does not exist.

That probably sounds crazy if you, like me, grew up in the West where divorce is commonplace. Most of us went to school with kids whose parents were divorced (or grew up in that kind of home ourselves). We have family members that were divorced. Heck–you may have been through a divorce yourself and are looking to start over with a woman from the Philippines.

I get it: dating a woman who was once married isn’t such a big deal if you grew up in a typical Western country. Some people have better success after the hard lessons learned from a failed marriage.

But don’t expect a happy ending if you get involved with a woman from the Philippines who is still legally married.

I’ll explain how this typically works. Let’s say a couple gets married and for whatever reason they decide to call it quits (she will not tolerate his womanizing or they just can’t get along for some other reason). They really only have one possible legal recourse: annulment.

Annulment means that a legal marriage never existed. Here in the West an annulment is typically granted when a couple hasn’t been together very long (like Britney Spears’ infamous 55-hour “marriage”). Needless to say, an annulment is very difficult to execute if someone has been with his/her spouse for years.

Here are the circumstances under which an annulment can be granted according to the law of the Philippines:

  1. Absence of Parental Consent. A marriage was solemnized and one or the other party was eighteen (18) years of age or over but below twenty-one (21) and consent was not given by the parents, guardian or person having substitute parental authority.
  2. Mental Illness or psychological incapacity.
  3. Fraud. That the consent of either party was obtained by fraud, unless such party once having knowledge of the fraud freely cohabited with the other as husband and wife.
  4. That the consent of either party was obtained by force, intimidation or undue influence.
  5. One or the other party was physically incapable of consummating the marriage, and such incapacity continues and appears to be incurable.
  6. Either party was at the time of marriage afflicted with a sexually-transmitted-disease (STD) found to be serious and seems to be incurable.

That’s the letter of the law. Here’s how it works out in real life: most annulments in the Philippines are based on that second circumstance “psychological incapacity”–the idea is that one person didn’t know what he/she was doing when he/she got married. It seems like most of these cases are a sham, but I presume it is the easiest reason to prove from a legal standpoint (maybe pay off a psychologist to testify–who knows).

Such annulments are incredibly expensive (3,000 to 15,000 dollars) and may take years to complete. It is not unusual to hear of judges being bribed for such annulments.

Put all these factors together and you can see that an annulment is something that’s usually only available to the rich, famous, and powerful. The expensive, time-consuming process is simply not an option for most citizens of the Philippines.

What is the average Filipina or Filipino to do when their marriages fail? Most of them just live separately. They may file for legal separation, but that will not give either one the right to remarry. They may cohabitate with someone new and even start a second family. I’ve lost count of the number of people I met in the Philippines in this situation.

RECOMMENDED: I recommend Christian Filipina for those who are serious about finding love in the Philippines.

The Married Filipina and the new boyfriend

That’s where you may unfortunately come into the picture. The separated Filipina begins chatting online with some guy from the West. She’s lonely and wants to try something new in terms of relationships. Some guy finds her attractive/interesting and begins some form of relationship. It’s not hard to imagine this scenario because she may be younger and more beautiful than any of his prospects in the West. Before he knows it he is deeply emotionally invested–entangled in something that will not end well.

What he doesn’t realize is that this is a dead end on many levels. She may convince him to shell out thousands of dollars for an annulment that may not be successful (or may just use the annulment as a scam to ask for money).

He will waste time, money, and emotions that could have been spent on a woman with whom he could build a real future.

The consequences can go beyond a broken heart and wallet. Adultery is a punishable legal crime in the Philippines. There are cases where Western men have become involved with married Filipinas and the estranged husband files legal charges for adultery (even if he’s been out of the picture for years). One or both “offenders” can face jail time for this–this includes you if you are charged while visiting or living in the Philippines. This can even be a means of extorting money from you (the woman may even be in on it in some cases).

Just in case you think it couldn’t get any worse, the Philippines has a “crime of passion” law (Article 247 of the Revised Penal Code) that potentially protects someone who murders his/her spouse while catching them “in the act” of adultery. This scenario is highly unlikely (and the law itself is controversial), but it yet another risk involved with the married Filipina.

My recommendation

What do I recommend? Find a single Filipina! With thousands of beautiful single Filipinas to chose from, why take the risk of such a heartache? I always recommend the Christian Filipina website as a way to meet good women.

How can you be 100% sure she’s single? You can ask, of course, and you can just watch out for any “red flags” that she’s not telling you the truth. Let’s say, for example, that she seems resistant to you meeting her family–that may be a sign that she’s hiding something.

But if push comes to shove you can ask for legal verification–you could tell her you’ve been burned before and want proof that she’s single. The Philippines has a legal database of everyone’s marital status. You ask her for a form called a CENOMAR (certificate of no marriage). You could send her the money to pay for it (only about 200 pesos). You might even be able to order this for her online and just ask her to scan and show you the copy. Just be sure her name matches exactly what you see on her other ID’s.

I’ll add one final note here: the Philippines is considering a bill that would allow divorce. Does this change my mind about anything I’ve written? Not one bit! I’ve spent a lot of time in the Philippines and seen divorce bills talked about and debated for decades. This time it may be different, but there is simply no guarantee that divorce will be legal in the Philippines anytime soon.

Filipino American Marriage Success Rate

What is the real success rate of marriages between American men and Filipinas? Let’s look at some of the facts.

Before we go further, have you heard that half of all marriages end in divorce? I know I have, and I used to believe that was true–I heard it repeated so many times that I just assumed marriages only had a 50/50 shot. That’s quite a terrifying proposition: get married and you have a 50% chance of splitting up, going to divorce court, paying alimony for the rest of your life, and let’s not forget child support.

But it turns out the divorce rate truth is much more complicated. Here’s the problem: the “half of all marriages end in divorce” idea came from comparing the number of marriages in a given year to the number of divorces. That may seem like the way to do it, but here’s the problem: the people who get divorces in any year aren’t the same ones who got married. In other words, the total number of divorces any year come from several previous years of marriages. No wonder it seems like so many marriages fail–we’ve based our ideas on bad math.

Measuring the actual divorce rate is tricky, and I’m not sure that there is an easy, accurate way to do it. Most of the estimates I see is somewhere around 30-35% of American marriages will end in a divorce. The rate has actually gone down in America for the past few decades because fewer people are getting married, people are marrying later, and a lot of other factors I won’t go into.

Filipina and American Marriages: The Data

So, what are the statistical chances of a marriage between a Filipina and an American ending in divorce? I have had a hard time finding good, up-to-date information. A long time ago I remember reading that marriages between Americans and Filipinas are more successful (less likely to end in divorce). In other words, an American man that marries a Filipina is less likely to experience a divorce than if he marries someone from his own country. Was this information correct, or was it just as mistaken as the idea that half of all marriages end in divorce?

There does seem to be some data to support the idea of hte high marital success rate of Filipinas and Americans. Here’s something I found from the mid-90’s on an immigration website:

According to a report from the Commission on Filipinos Overseas (see “Data from Filipino women and intermarriages” by Catherine Paredes-Maceda in Asian Migrant 8.4, 1995), mail-order brides constitute 10 percent of the marriages between Filipinos and foreign nationals. Between 1989 and 1994, 95,000 Filipino men and women were engaged to be married to foreigners, the great majority of whom met their partners through work or personal introductions. Of the foreign men who marry Filipinos, 44 percent are U.S. citizens.

On the basis of these data, it would appear that about 2,000 Filipino women find husbands each year through the agencies, 800 of whom marry Americans.

Based on published material from the agencies, similar numbers apply to women from Russia, Latin America, and other areas; i.e., 10 percent find husbands, of whom 40 to 50 percent are U.S. citizens.

Again, based largely on data supplied by the agencies themselves (along with the Commission on Filipinos Overseas report), marriages arranged through the mail-order services would appear to have a lower divorce rate than the nation as a whole, fully 80 percent of these marriages having lasted over the years for which reports are available.

If these statistics are accurate and still true, it means that marriages between Filipinas and American men had a lower divorce rate than marriages between two Americans in the past. I don’t see any reason to assume things have changed that much (based on what I know about Filipino culture, which I’ll explain next).

Filipino Culture and Marriage

What factors would tend to make a Filipino-American marriage more successful? Here are a few reasons, based on my observations and time in the Philippines. Keep in mind that these are very general statements–there are always exceptions to the rules.

There is currently no divorce in the Philippines. The Philippines and the Vatican are the only two sovereign states in the world with no divorce. The only way to dissolve a marriage is through the process of annulment, which means legally establishing that a marriage never existed. Most “annulments” in the Philippines are really just divorces by another name. Annulment is a very expensive and lengthy process, which is why I advise men to think twice before getting involved with a woman from the Philippines who is “separated.”

RECOMMENDED: I recommend Christian Filipina for those who are serious about finding love in the Philippines.

There is a movement to legalize divorce in the Philippines. I do not know if it will ever materialize, but several legislators have proposed changing the law to allow for divorce. My mind may change, but I am not optimistic about seeing these new changes in the law become reality.

That’s not to say that all marriages in the Philippines work out–marriages fail and people separate. But the law is, in part, a reflection of the Filipino culture. Filipinos have a high view of marriage and go into it with the idea of staying together for life–that’s their only option (for now, at least).

Filipinas value marriage and keeping the family together. As I’ve said on this blog several times, family is everything in Filipino culture. Filipinas tend to believe that the wife should do everything in her power to keep the family together–especially if children are involved. They will think about how their decisions affect everyone–not just themselves.

The importance of family goes beyond the immediate family. A Filipina will likely consider what her parents and relatives will think of her decisions. In other words, leaving a good, stable man would be frowned upon by those whose opinion matters to her. She would be ashamed to tell her parents or other family members that she pursued a separation/divorce because she “was not happy” or “fell out of love.” The mindset and attitude of people in the Philippines is different–it is less individualistic. Filipinos (and Asians in general) have more of a group orientation that Westerners do.

I will add something here: there is a dark side to the Filipina’s loyalty: I’ve seen it get abused. I have noticed that Filipina wives tend to tolerate behavior that Western women would not. She may put up with a cheating husband, for example, as long has he continues to support and come home to his family. She would be heartbroken, of course, but she might endure treatment that a Western woman would not. To be clear, I hate adultery and I would never do something to hurt my wife (I sincerely hope you have the same attitude about the commitment of marriage). But I’m sharing this just to demonstrate how deeply ingrained this cultural value is in the minds and hearts of the women of the Philippines.

Filipino culture has a value called “utang na loob.” This term is difficult to translate with precision, but it means a “debt of gratitude.” The idea is that if someone does something for you, you should do everything in your power to return the favor.

What does this have to do with faithfulness in marriage? Well, an American man goes through considerable expense to bring a Filipina to the States. He will probably provide her with a standard of living that she would never have in the Philippines (there are exceptions, but I am speaking in general terms). For her to divorce him without good reason would be a form of ingratitude.

Just to be clear, I am not saying that all women of the Philippines would see things this way. But most Filipinas would have a deep sense of appreciate for being given a stable, secure life that she may not have otherwise.

The immigration/citizenship process is lengthy. In other words, the narrative of the Filipina running off after she becomes a U.S. Citizen (or gets her green card) isn’t quite as simple as some make it sound. Yes, it happens, but it probably doesn’t happen as often as you think.

I’ll explain this a little more:

The process from spousal or fiancee visa to US citizen takes at least 3-4 years–this is if you are fortunate enough to get through the process with no delays. I can tell you from personal experience (as described on this blog) that the visa process requires patience, perseverance, and money. This waiting period for citizenship is a long time to commit to living with someone if you don’t love him.

Final Thoughts

I’m not saying that marrying a Filipina is a divorce-proof move. I’m also not saying that Filipinas never leave their American husbands. They certainly do in some cases, and I have met those whose marriages unfortunately ended in divorce.

But the vast majority of Filipinas I have met just want a man who will love them, provide for them, and treat them well.

As always, I would encourage you to proceed with caution if you want to find a wife in the Philippines. There are plenty of good women there, but you need to take your time and make sure to find the right one.